LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
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Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times