Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.

Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?

Clark Kent: kryptonite

Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?

Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa

Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…

“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late

“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late

“in traffic” = just got in a car

“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago

Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.

ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it

getting a divorce to pursue my true passion: collecting alimony

“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”

“And there was this one time…”

*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*

Me, giving a wedding toast

[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.

Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News

No I will not change my password.

If someone wants this life, they can have it.

Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!

Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life

King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.

Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.

Dear axe body spray,

Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.

Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.

The NFL has hired their first female referee.

She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.

*gets called abnormal*

*checks for normal abs*

Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?

Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces

Did…did a minotaur write this

Spider-cat: No One Home

boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!

As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.

Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.

Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:

“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”

[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.

toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities

I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’

If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.

They’re trained for that.

No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.