Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
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FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
broke down and did it
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter