Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”

In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up

-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again

*Wakes up*

“Wow I feel pretty good”

*Moves body*

“Maybe I spoke too soon”

As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.

I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.

If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister

Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…

“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”

-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway

Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.

listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing

Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?

If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.

Wife: We need to talk

Me, absolutely panicking: What

Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter

[interview]

“How would you describe your people skills?”

ME: I tend to drive others away.

“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”

Whenever your girlfriend tells you she’s on her period remember not to say things like “that explains it”.

*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*

Yeah. That’s do-able.

what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes

what my dog hears: goodbye forever

My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…

So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.

Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?

I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboy

On a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horse

I:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘ride

I’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive

I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too

Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…

Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.

The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.

Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.

I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.

Oh deer