Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
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[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
thanking the kid in his karate uniform for his service
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
In 1987, an American weapons manufacturing employee joked to his boss that he had sold secrets to the Daleks. The boss reported the employee and the matter reached the FBI, where the investigation stopped after someone explained who the Daleks were.
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
The kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were pretty dumb if they couldn’t figure out that their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.