Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay

[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?

TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.

*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*

[blind date]

HER: I’m a light eater

ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb

if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”

[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?

“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw

My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house

(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”

If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.

Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”

Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”

It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.

*hides recorder in box*

*puts box in safe*

*locks safe*

*digs 50-foot hole*

*throws safe in*

*covers hole*

[5 minutes later]

9yo: *playing recorder*

I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.

I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest

I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.

Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan

[hospital]

DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR

ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle

DOCTOR: She insisted

I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.

[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]

if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse

When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago

I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.

Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG

-me watching a toddler put shoes on

They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.

Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.

I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.

Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.

me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating

archaeologist: how did you find me?

I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.

Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.

[School Bus Driver Interview]

INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?

GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children

I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.