Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
You Might Also Like
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
My wife: “Do you even like writing?”
Me: “I like having written.”
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
Would you eat from the Hummus Truck?
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
Tough love is true love
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: here? with you?
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!