Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature

you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea

like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)

I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.

“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”

What are instructions?

“Correct.”

CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!

PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!

Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”

Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”

Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”

My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.

Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!

Female reproductive system: Hold my beer

I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying

My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.

*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*

Mondays, amirite?

I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.

Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.

2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.

2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.

[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?

Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.

Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.

*buys shed at B&Q*

B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?

Me: No, it’s going in the garden.

B&Q:

Me:

B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.

Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals

Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –

Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*

[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]

did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?

*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”

Happy Halloween 🎃

I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…

Caesar [dying]: remember me

Soldier: we will name a salad after you

Caesar: ok

Soldier: with stale chunks of bread

Caesar: actually nev-

Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese

Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me

“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car

As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.

The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.

Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.

Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.