Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
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Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
Rare photo of two submarines racing
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
Oh sure so it’s okay for Jesus to raise people back from the dead, but when I, Victor Frankenstein,
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
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If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.