Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
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HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
Baked and Naked are pronounced differently despite being Americans very favorite things.
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say