Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
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*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
A little too much information.
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
My wife just looked over at me, dreamy look in her eyes, sighed deeply, and said ever so softly, “I love soup.”
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
Happy #NationalPoetryDay 🙂
Friend: cheer up. There are plenty of fish in the sea
Me [slamming my fist on the table]: I’m attracted to women NOT fish, Gary!