Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.

8: *gives me a pen*

Me: *takes it*

8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!

Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.

A Match(.com), but for socks.

Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.

I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”

my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin

The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment

If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.

A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”

So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.

i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right

He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on

Vader: I AM your father.

Luke: Why are you telling me this now?

Vader:

Luke:

Vader: I need a kidney.

“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”

My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household

911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’

Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’

911: *click

I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.

Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.

When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs

[job interview]

“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”

Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?

[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree

ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho

My mood ring just jumped into the trash compactor.

This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad

I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon

My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero

I told myself I’d behave today… then I saw my reflection and thought, maybe tomorrow

Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?

britney spears working at an ice cream shop called scoops i did it again.

I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.