Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
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When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
I have been told to stop stealing muffins from the bakery. Unfortunately, it’s the only way to keep my lucrative muffin stand in business. Everyone is fine with this.
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”