Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
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My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
a gay boyfriend is kinda like a brother you have sex with
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
Police sketch artist: Two criminals? But you’ve just described a vase
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!