Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
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…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
Kids: Stay in school.
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.