Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
You Might Also Like
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator