Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.

Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.

When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:

-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?

My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet

“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”

~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.

[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here

Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture

😂

It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!

*first date*

Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!

Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!

My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy

My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.

wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*

[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?

[trying on a camouflage jacket]

Me: how much is this

Store Clerk: how much is what

*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops

Anne Has A Problem

Anne Has A Solution

Anne Has A Will

Anne Hathaway

Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.

[Courtroom]

Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!

Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.

My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you

When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options

the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark

Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.

my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together

Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?

Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.

Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…

I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.

Now I’m having a great weekend.

I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.

“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.

me: [explaining the scene in bone tomahawk where they split a guy in half]
therapist: I doubt your mailman wants to do that to you

School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*ruler

School supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggies

Apparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.

*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.