Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.

My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse

i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side

I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.

I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.

You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.

GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean

SHARK: nice

GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land

HORSE: cool

GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean

BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?

GOD: um

BLUE WHALE: um what?

The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.

Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.

AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief

“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate

me: goodnight moon 🙂

moon: goodnight

me: goodnight stars 🙂

stars: goodnight

me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂

security guard: how the hell did you get in here

So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?

Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.

Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.

Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.

The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..

Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne

Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.

back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive

Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.

Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.

Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October

The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.

I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.

You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.

🔦🌙👣

Me: I’d kill for a donut

Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead

If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.

I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.