Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

it should be illegal to take a nap and still have a headache when you wake up. like no i shut it off and back on again why are you still here

Colleague: any children?

Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids

Wife: We’ve got 3 kids

Me: I stand by what I said

Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.

Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.

I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass

If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions

Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.

Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.

[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)

A Haiku For My Salad:

I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad

Dating is just wondering why someone is single and then slowly figuring it out

Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now

That moment when you google a recipe hoping for a list of ingredients and a method, only to find eight pages of guff which begins “I was five when I first realised I had a fear of envelopes…”

The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.

INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words

All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.

[Hydra command meeting]

Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!

Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.

All day: I’m so tired I could cry

12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now

*shows buyers around my home*

This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really

When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.

If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.

My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.

Imagine how scary sharks would be if they wore necklaces made out of our teeth.

cat faces on other animals, a thread

Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.

I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.

In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder

The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block

I know a sign from God when I see one

If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.

Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.