Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.

Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?

Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.

Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.

My toddler threw a tantrum because I corrected him when he said he wanted to “Be Halloween for Mickey Mouse”.

I am now standing in the corner thinking about my actions.

Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.

Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏

I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.

before meds: *hates everything*

after meds: *feels good about hating everything*

young jesus: mom where do babies come from

joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?

Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart

Noah: glue might work, I have an idea

Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us

lol

rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator

Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.

Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.

i’m gonna allow it

rich people when they have to pay taxes

Text messages from my mum read like they are from a hit man.

he’s a little confused but he got the spirit

Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.

on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat

in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice

A woman at the grocery store, who upon seeing my daughter’s blue eyes asked where she got them from, looked at both me and my husband, and then actually said out loud “did the milk man visit your mom?” What the actual fuck lady.

They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler

“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside

Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer

If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.

It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.

I went to the hardware store to buy a weedeater. There were 3 gas-powered, an electric, and a vegan who offered to eat the whole yard for $20.

My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.

Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.

New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.