Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..

Grandpa

I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”

Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks

Larry (a garden gnome):

Me: oh my god you’re so handsome

I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.

Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.

I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.

Me: I could survive in the wild.

Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.

Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.

Reasons to have a landline phone:

1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing

2. See reason #1

staying in a hotel makes me feel like the queen of the world and staying in an airbnb makes me feel like i’m secretly living in the walls of somebody’s house

At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up

I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.

My favorite child is the Roomba.

The photographer’s assistant

if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them

“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”

No, I bought them 15lbs ago

I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…

I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.

waiter: would you like a box

me: how is it prepared

Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen

Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO

me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free

[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”

I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.

However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.

#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes

No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….

Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!

And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows

When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”

Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.

And none of them ever call me again.

My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!

Until the dog humped the couch

Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine

{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?

I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.