Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.

I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.

There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio

I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.

Put a bar inside Home Depot you cowards.

cow = cattle

farmer = cattler

rennet = catalyst

*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me

Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen

I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this

I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga

My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.

My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.

Funny because it’s true. 🤣

I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.

i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street

I used to work for a large pharmaceutical company. I used to host a load of fake meetings in the nice meeting room, just so me and my colleagues could have a free coffee and biscuits.

My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.

The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,

[slight drizzle outside]

Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive

British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”

Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.

Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.

day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me

Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house

Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.

[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this

Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.

I sexually identify as an avocado.

Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.

If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.

I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks

I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged

3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.

In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale