Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
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Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
FOOD HACK: If you are at a restaurant tell the server “I would like two beers and fries” and they will bring you an order of fries and also two beers. This works at most restaurants.
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*