Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind

WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children

ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you

Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.

Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…

I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.

My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.

The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad

Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.

Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.

I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.

“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.

It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.

For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk

Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*

Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.

No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.

YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*

ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*

Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.

Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”

If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you

*Puts on angry eyebrows*

boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug

me: have you met every boss in the world

boss: no bu—

me: just seems like a lofty claim

boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}

me:

boss:

me: this one’s true tho

[flashback to 1st date]

*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn

Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”

My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.

I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.

Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”

[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?

A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.

Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.

Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime

As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.

If your restaurant doesn’t have valet parking, who did I give my keys and wallet and phone to?

It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!