Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner

11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag

The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.

No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.

Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.

My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.

The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating

Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.

[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan

It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.

I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.

I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.

We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around

Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out

[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are

The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.

[Hillbilly court]

Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?

Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did

*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*

doctor: ok thanks for all your help

me: no problem, have a good one

doctor: love you bye

me:

doctor:

me:

doctor: i’m married

[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]

King’s Men: all the King’s men are here

Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?

King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses

Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???

Give me one good reason not to have a drink.

Hepatologist: Hold my beer.

Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road

say hello: the new iphone will be able to make phone calls

Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…

Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.

I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color

me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you

Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”

I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.

I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.

If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.

i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:

“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”

ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:

“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”

[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis