Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.

Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?

D: Nope

Me: *reads a book* How about now?

D: Nope

Me: *starts to sing*

D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*

Me: Man, I should have started with that.

I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.

MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?

The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.

I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”

My neighbors look so happy.

We can fix that.

Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER

6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out

’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.

Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned

Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time

what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks

They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.

The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.

My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.

Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.

Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??

From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??

Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁

Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.

“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”

He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.

*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*

I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.

Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago

Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]

Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin

[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass

“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”

Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help

“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”

I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic

You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.

[First day as a fighter pilot]

*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*

[Entering a dark forest]

“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”

“Keening.”

“What?”

“Banshees keen.”

“You go first.”

“Dammit.”

[on a stakeout]

COP: did you bring your walkie talkie

ME: no but I do have a runny nosey