Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Earth Day…

…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!

*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*

Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?

i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”

interviewer: how would u describe yourself

me: unemployed

I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.

I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.

Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?

Me: *hands cash*

Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.

So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?

Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.

calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing

guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking

i was at dumbass island and everyone knew you lol. why was i at dumbass island? uh well uhhh. well. well uhhhh. fuck. uhhhh

Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life

Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by

Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.

[On the couch watching TV]

Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?

I keep screenshots the way my husband keeps old cords, stored neatly away until the day I might need them.

An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.

*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews

[3 guys corner me in an alley]

3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit

Them: Have you tried dieting?

Me: Have you ever tried pizza?

I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.

Me: The floor is lava!

Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?

You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”

TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying

Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.

One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.

GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?

ME: Leave that to me.

[later, at dinner]

HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.

ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉

“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”

– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car