lumberjacks will cut a birch
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WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
*mixes raisins into my mac and cheese*
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
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