lumberjacks will cut a birch
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Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
me adding lol on a serious message
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I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal