lumberjacks will cut a birch
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I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
we need to bring back easter eggs on DVDs in case the Doctor ever needs to communicate with someone thirty years in the future to warn them about a race of terrifying sentient statues with the power to send people back in time.
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.