Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No One:

No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?

professor x: what’s your superpower

me: I make text look like faces

professor XD : what?

mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this

My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2

You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family

If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.

Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.

Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”

If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.

[restaurant]

me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*

Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?

Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?

23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?

[Couples therapy]

WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.

THERAPIST: And you, sir?

ME: She’s always in a bad mude.

I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.

*except just then*

Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?

Just me?

Cat: What are you doing?

Me: Nothing.

Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.

Me: No

Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.

Me: No way.

boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago

Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.

My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.

A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.

I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.

One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.

Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself

My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.

Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME

Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet

DAMMIT!

They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.

[spelling bee]

Moderator: your word is sentence

Me: can you use it in a sentence?

Moderator: your word is sentence

I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.

Still my favourite meme.

I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.

Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away

I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster