Lunatics are gonna loon.
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I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
Almost choked to death on a jack and coke because I took a sip just as the old grizzled survivalist asked the young skinny blonde bartendress what her plan is for surviving the collapse of society and she said with utmost conviction, “Oh, I would just kill myself”.
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
We have a very jittery first time flyer celebrating their 90th birthday today! So if you’re flying to Alicante with Ryanair this evening, remember to say Happy Birthday to the pilot.
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
If my son ever came out as gay I’d be so furious. Furious that he never gave me fashion advice
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.