[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
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Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave