[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
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I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
What in the hipster hell is going on here
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.