Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
You Might Also Like
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.