Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
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Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
One venti cheeseburger please.
LMFAOOOO
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.