Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?

Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.

we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌

AI is that friend who is always there for you but gives terrible advice.

Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch

My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.

My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.

I said, “No, wait! I can change.”

me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:

I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.

“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator

what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks

Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.

If I win the lottery I’m buying four politicians and some really nice shoes.

GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.

Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?

Asking for a friend…

…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker

Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg

*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good

If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.

her: babe!

me: wait, I want to word this tweet right

her: BABE!!

me: and send… what was the question?

minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?

me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god

People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.

[1st date]

Me: “So, what do you do?”

Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”

Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”

Cashier: your total comes to $59

Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice

I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.

HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern

*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*

Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?

me: *gets in the cart* yes.

When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK

I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache

My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.