Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

just leaving a message to let you know I got your text

– voicemails from my dad

[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]

What do you mean isolated and unstable?

“Eat cheese and sin.”

This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!

[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year

me on ellen

ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen

me: yeah

*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*

both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt

[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!

Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.

I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?

MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad

COW: What’s that mean?

MAN: Uh-

COW: I’m fat?

MAN: … You’re a cow?

PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo

new shirt idea

I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend

Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.

[If my dog could talk]

DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY

It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.

Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake

[On my death bed]

My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?

Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.

The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.

I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.

I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.

Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.

boss: david, you’re fired

me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂

My funeral better have a fkn merch table

MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat

ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese

MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk

ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*

I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.

My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”

Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.

Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet

Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours

Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send

Stages of a quick trip to Costco:

1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.