Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
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I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
I’m not wrong
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME