Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
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The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
Woke up against my better judgement again
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist