Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.

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Hardcore Ramen: drink boiling water, swallow dried noodle block, snort flavor packet.


I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…

But all they sent me was her underwear.


Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop


Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.


Cop: what the hell are you doing

Me: just holding this old lady’s hand while i cross the street sir

Cop: wh- where’s the rest of her


Txt from wife: where r u
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos


A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL


They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!