@sixfootcandy

Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.

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@tat2dsoccermom

Hardcore Ramen: drink boiling water, swallow dried noodle block, snort flavor packet.

@AmishPornStar1

I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…

But all they sent me was her underwear.

@fro_vo

Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop

@9GAG

Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.

@rudy_mustang

Cop: what the hell are you doing

Me: just holding this old lady’s hand while i cross the street sir

Cop: wh- where’s the rest of her

@GrantTanaka

Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos

@HonestlyJon

A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL

@BillyCorben

They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!