Hardcore Ramen: drink boiling water, swallow dried noodle block, snort flavor packet.
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
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I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
Cop: what the hell are you doing
Me: just holding this old lady’s hand while i cross the street sir
Cop: wh- where’s the rest of her
Txt from wife: where r u
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
You sneezed 20 times in a row, I think your brain wants out
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!