Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
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I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*