Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
You Might Also Like
ChatGPT is down rn and if you listen closely, you can hear millions of content creators screaming
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
I WON A HAM TODAY
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.