“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
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I started the day with a migraine, and I ended it by watching the debate. One of those was the most painful 90 minutes of my day. The other was a migraine.
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
Darth Vader: they blew up the Death Star
Emperor: [laughing] I overinsured it by 8 trillion imperial credits
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
I heard on the news that some guy was stealing wheels off police cars. The police are working tirelessly to catch him.
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
I just learned that at the Vienna airport there’s a counter specifically for people who arrived in Austria instead of Australia as they intended but apparently didn’t try hard enough
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
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do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
“Bartender, there’s a hair on my ice cube!”
“You should have asked for shaved ice.”
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.