“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
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“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you workedpeople will remember:
– that one time you tried to get in on the friend group’s riff and your joke bombed so hard that it changed the whole vibe
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
This classic never gets old . . .
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years