Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
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Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
I was at the Doctors office and he said the nurse was coming to give me a shot. I said, ” can my day get any worse?” Dr said to relax and as he walked out he said, ” and prostate exam today too’
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.