[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
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Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
People say I’m an idiot for using superglue instead of bonjela, but I’m sticking to my gums.
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority