Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Goodyear: tires

Badyear: 2020

Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse

A potential new client told me I reminded him of his first wife, “but in a good way.”

When we finished the consult and I told him my retainer he said, “I take back what I said about you reminding me of my first wife in a good way. You remind me of my first wife in every way.”

My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”

Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa

[loses house key, starts a new life]

Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.

Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint

Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.

what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid

Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.

Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk

I’m taking my box of wine back and filing a complaint.

It said once opened it would last 6 weeks, but it was gone after 3 hrs.

sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”

I can fix him.

There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.

“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark

Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.

[the next jurassic park movie]

ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!

ME: Why do people keep coming here…?

I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.

i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”

I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car

My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on

Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?

Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!

TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess

My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.

Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?

Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.

BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home

ME: please, i have a family