Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
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Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
Leave it to Stephen Chow to pull off one of the funniest and dopest fight scenes in history without ever even throwing a single punch or kick. Bruce Lee’s “Art of Fighting Without Fighting” fully realized.
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
I used to think the key to small talk was always having something to say (difficult) but now I think the key is being genuinely relaxed and putting people at ease (very difficult).
I was getting my mail today and my neighbor asked me if I was gay and I was like “what?” He said he was only asking because of my rainbow lanyard and I was like “oh no it’s much weirder than that.”
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.