Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
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me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
My wife asked me if I have plans for the weekend. It’s like she doesn’t even read my weekly newsletter.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
Yup.
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.