Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.

We are not the same.

Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!

-You mean the mosh PIT, right?

Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*

When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.

I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.

[on a date with a european]

Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?

I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza

Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned

You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last

If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.

[driving to occult ceremony]

“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”

[2 hours later]

[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER

Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.

I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.

You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?

“More Wine”

[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?

schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!

This took me a few seconds.. 😅

Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]

ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.

(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?

Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.

Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.

I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.

The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.

Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.

[at the store]

Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?

I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.

4-year-old: Dad?

Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.

4:

Me:

4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?

Now I’m awake.

when I go to parties I always bring my own plunger

they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar

6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*

4yo: it’s ok, I like it

me:

4yo: except for the smell

“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break

Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.

Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?

Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?

Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.

It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.