Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
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yea so i messed up lol
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
giddy up Office Depot
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*