Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.

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TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left


Granny always said, ‘If in doubt, check it out.’
My addition: ‘If the answer gets your goat, punch ’em in the throat.’


You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.


[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”


Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.


*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out


*calls 911*

Hey, I found some big guns.

*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*


“I need a beer, you want one?”

– me, helping my son with his Legos


If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.