lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
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My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
9YO: dad, what animal would you say you most look like?
ME: i dunno, a turtle maybe
9: haha yeah
ME: what about you?
9: i don’t look like an animal
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
The worst part of all-you-can-eat buffets are all the witnesses
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
I like when people name their kids after the state they were conceived in. Might do the same and name my next kid Crippling Anxiety
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
You don’t have to worry about me when I’m hangry but you should keep your distance when I’m sleevil (sleepy + evil)