Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nothing sucks more than a Monday.

Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!

this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.

-my 12yo complimenting dinner

Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.

Neighbor: Nice. I got-

Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.

[first day on wind farm]

me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze

Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.

I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars

Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.

Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?

Me: The arrival of the paramedics?

send me a picture of a beloved item in your home

please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry

(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this

WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense

FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?

In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.

Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly

The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.

While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.

“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”

“schrodinger”

I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?

I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed

You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.

Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion

Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer

You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.

Ooo! The morning weather girl…

Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.

If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.

[first date]

him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”

me, a mermaid: can we just go

The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.

My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.

I asked him how he was coping.

He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.

5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland

Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it

5: You should just send me

japanese corn

If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.