Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out

If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.

Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!

Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*

Ladies, if he:

-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tides

That’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.

ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.

It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.

The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.

Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am

Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?

If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.

[creation of walrus]

god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard

angel: sorry, come again?

god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers

angel: dude what

god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula

angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse

People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?

Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”

Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…

I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..

Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no

Me: *leans in for a kiss

CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???

“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years

Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?

My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.

My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”

[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni

It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.

The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…

My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.

if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years

ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”

Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.

Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.

*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*

Me: This is going to be so great.

*sleeps for 4 hours*