[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
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In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
“The Perfect Relationship”
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
family: we’re having ground turkey this year
me: okay but how do you know that turkey couldn’t fly
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
So, slam poetry is not a wrestling move, the more you know
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
Welcome to middle age, where you wake up hungover whether you’ve had a drink or not.
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
Strive for greatness. Do 15 pushups instead of 10. Run 3 miles instead of 2. Burn your ex’s house down. Eat the whole cake instead of a slice. I believe in you.
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.