Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.

Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.

According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet

TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT

Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?

[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”

It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.

I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.

I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.

Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school

Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*

Me: Stop or I’ll be mad

Kids: *keep doing it*

Me: Stop or Mom will be mad

Kids:*stop immediately*

Welcome home! How was your trip? Do you want to hear the good news about your plants or the bad news about your cat?

jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?

Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.

“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”

[from the bushes]
“No”

Him: I’d take a bullet for you

Me: I’ll allow it.

Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram

[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling*

*Scrolling*

*Scrolling*

*Very slight chuckle*

*Scrolling*

Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.

I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out

THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening

Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.

My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.

Me: [touching grass]

Grass: ok first of all, no.

Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.

Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.

I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.

Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist

I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.

“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”

Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy

Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}

M: Nearly done now

C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}

M: All finished

C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}

M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles

My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite

Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”

me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”

W-“no”

Me- “who’s the expert now?”