*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
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I’ve had worse
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
Thanks to autocorrect, I told someone to be the cheese they want to see in the world. But maybe that’s an improvement?
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
i don’t care if it’s AI or an immigrant i desperately need someone to take my job, it is killing me
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.