*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
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Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
kids are all grown up so I guess it’s time to teach the cat to drive
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
What
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
One job that doesn’t exist but definitely should is Shoe Complimenter. They’d walk around town saying nice things about people’s shoes (e.g. “Lovely shoes sir. They look good”). But sadly we live in an uncivilised society so the government refuses to fund this much needed role 🙁
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*