Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my boyfriend has made me vow to not be annoying at the bob dylan concert i don’t want to go to

*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*

OMG is bellyache a symptom?!

ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this

I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.

A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid

My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh

what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself

I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.

Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.

Darth Vader:

My @FedEx package was never actually delivered to my house and you’ll never believe who signed for it

“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me

Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.

why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”

Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.

My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.

Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.

Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.

Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.

My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.

*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”

Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.

*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.

Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”

I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”

7YO: Daddy you’re so talented

Me: Awww Thank Y..

7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing

“I can’t please everybody.”

“You’re not pleasing anybody.”

“So you agree with me.”

Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.

THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.

I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.

Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.

Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?

Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!

So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.

Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.