Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.

Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer

From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.

Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip

A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”

house sitting!

43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree

*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”

I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”

*gets off on a technicality

Technicality: Perv.

Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby

who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?

My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.

Me: you got your gaming license with you?

Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt

*During sex*

Him: come on baby, moan for me….

Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease

The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.

Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.

“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.

If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works

ME: Why are my eyes itchy?

WebMD: Eye bees

Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.

Correction: It doesn’t.

I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.

Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.

Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!

My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler

When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.

Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-

Romeo: LIFE

Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?

the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire

Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!

Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]