[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
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[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.