[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
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wow
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
Finally!
Therapist accidentally sent me her cat
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
back to work
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend