Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!

-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.

Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.

Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.

astronaut: houston we have a problem

houston: what is it?

astronaut: my wife left me

houston: we only deal with space problems

astronaut:

houston:

astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space

“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.

Coworker: Stop

Me: collaborate and listen

Coworker: Don’t

Me: you forget about me

Coworker: Hey!

Me: teacher, leave them kids alone

I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.

Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.

Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.

banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”

I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.

Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.

I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.

[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…

Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.

whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes

I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.

Genie: you get three wishes

Dog: I wish I was inside

Genie: two wishes

Dog: I wish I was outside

Genie: one wish

Dog:

Genie:

Dog: I wish I was inside

Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.

The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.

toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*

how to screw with your cat’s head 101

You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.

I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.

My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.

As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.

Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.

I know VERY basic Japanese.

When I got to Japan, I tried a Japan exclusive Starbucks drink. My bf is allergic to nuts so in perfect Japanese I asked,

“does this have nuts in it?

The cashier said “ooh, nut allergy?” (In Japanese)

I responded…..

“Sí.”

…

I HAVE NO WORDS 😭

Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*

Waiter: is there a problem