Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Met a hot girl in the bar.

She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.

{asks friend for help with a draft}

*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’

Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”

Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!

I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.

Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.

When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed

Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now

[party city]

employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?

me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome

Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah

Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas

If I ever move into a mansion, it means I definitely won the lottery, or I’m successfully blackmailing someone.

ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.

ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.

Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me

Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car

Shows used to take a quick break for the summer and be back with 22 more episodes but I’m not even kidding when I say I’ve had an entire pregnancy, birthed a child, she has learned to walk and talk in the time it has taken for Severence to not even come out with a season 2 yet

the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on

producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?

the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word

producer: sounds bad

the killers: its the greatest song ever written

Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.

Sponch

she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October

[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]

I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip

A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.

Two hundred and sixty two words is not a manifesto; I’ve written more than that about a good oil change

PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that

Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”

1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?

4.25pm: Yes, of course.

“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz

teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew

me: did I tell you I started a new diet today

teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine

Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.

Wife: Your problem is your incompetence

Me: I can hold my pee just fine