Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.

There are two types of people in this world:

1) Good people

2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.

I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.

Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.

He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.

Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one

Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?

Me: *panicking* coniferous

*speed dating

So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.

curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious

Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?

Me: It’s the symbol for love

Swallow: What about mine?

Me: Umm, true love.

Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.

Jesus steals the winter solstice

[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?

Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!

Kids: Yay!

M: See you in a week!
*slams door*

Kids: …

Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?

Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.

Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.

Me: The woman next door thinks you’ve been spying on her. Go over and tell her you’d never do that.
Him: Okay. I’ll go as soon as she’s out of the shower

Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”

Me: nah

Husb: you could create your own cult

Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god

I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.

Seismologists are loyal to a fault

Kids: CARROTS?!

Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.

“so she’s gay now?”

yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden

Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.

My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.

i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.

You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that

[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?

GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH

If anyone has any experience with anything or knows anything about something please let me know 🙏

Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase

Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?