[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
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[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
Looks like Alexander Graham Bell is calling me.
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
It just seems like one would see a lot more data while flying through the clouds.
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has