Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: bless me father for i have sinned

mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time

People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.

“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*

There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.

Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%

Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge

like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.

If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.

i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday

“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.

How is that even science fiction?

They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”

Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.

If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.

jacob when he finds out that his love interest is bella’s literal baby

Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.

“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works

I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.

Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice

Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.

Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics

If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.

Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?

-People who are about to piss you off

Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”

So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay

there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”

Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*

It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again

*Good Will Hunting*

Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?

me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?

asking my doctor to give me the Marilyn Manson rib removal surgery to make more room for the hotdog eating contest

RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts

ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it