[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
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I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
I need the people to know that olympic silver medalist giorgia villa is sponsored by parmesan cheese and regularly posts pics of herself with giant wheels of cheese
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
Blocking someone isn’t enough; I want them to step in water with their socks on.
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
Yes I’m the dude at the liquor store with a grocery cart but in my defense I do have 10 relatives coming over for dinner tomorrow
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
jokingly asked my coworker why the flag outside our building was at half mast today and he completely seriously said “for James Earl Jones i think?”
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
Put a bar inside Home Depot you cowards.
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw