[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
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Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
Other than that, Carrie, how was the prom?
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
My mom says if I’m a good boy, I can be the captain of the gravy boat at Thanksgiving this year.
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.