lying on the floor with my mouth open just in case someone breaks in and decides to grate a bunch of cheese in there

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I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.


I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…


1. Secretly take a bunch of pictures of someone you see everyday but barely know
2. Friend request them on FB
3. Tag them in 238 photos


Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?

Me: You bought me a ski jacket

Her: Skiing is a sport!


[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!


(Auditioning to be a bird)

*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*

DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.


Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!

Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?

Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..


The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.


Interviewer: what’s ur biggest flaw?

Me: I tend to incorrectly correct people

I: but ur resume is impeccable

M: I think u mean unpeccable