I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
lying on the floor with my mouth open just in case someone breaks in and decides to grate a bunch of cheese in there
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I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
1. Secretly take a bunch of pictures of someone you see everyday but barely know
2. Friend request them on FB
3. Tag them in 238 photos
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
Interviewer: what’s ur biggest flaw?
Me: I tend to incorrectly correct people
I: but ur resume is impeccable
M: I think u mean unpeccable